This Poor Guy

This guy…

So, I meet an amazing girl. We date for 7 months, and then I am offered an extremely attractive 1-2 year job posting halfway across the world. We are now two months into a very committed long distance relationship. We speak multiple times a day by phone, email, chat, etc, and I would say that our communication is very good. If all is well a year down the track, I am planning to move back to the same city so that we can be together. Both of us have a long-term commitment in mind.

However… My girlfriend is in her late 20s and about 8 years younger. She has spent most of her 20s in serious relationships, and has never really had a chance to just date around and have fun. She thinks that this might be her last chance, and wants to have an open relationship, just while we are apart. Kind of a “last hurrah” before I move back.

I trust her. And on a purely rational level, I am OK with this, even though I don’t have any desire to see other people myself. My girlfriend is proposing a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, and we have come up with various rules and boundaries that I think make sense. We also agreed to trial it for just 3 months until we next meet, at which point she thinks she may even have gotten things out of her system and be happy to revert to monogamy. However, I am a bit worried that this may not be as simple as flicking a switch on and then off again. ie I am worried about the unintended emotional consequences. I must admit the thought of her with other guys makes me queasy, and I have no idea if I will be able to quell the feelings of jealousy that could result. Any pointers on making such an arrangement work, or cautionary tales of the pitfalls?

I wish I was making this whole thing up as a way to test your game and look at your reactions, but unfortunately I’m not. I’m guessing that she’s already cheating on him, and if you clicked the link you would see that a lot of people are thinking the exact same thing. Being as that’s pretty obvious, we’re instead going to break down all of the things that he’s doing wrong in his relationship, and the appropriate response to give your lady friend should you find yourself in this situation.

You have to understand, it takes a lot for a woman to openly suggest seeing other people. It implies that she wants all of the rewards of cheating but none of the risk. The fact that she would enact a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy about sleeping around ensures that he’ll never be able to ask – and should he, she wont be obliged to answer – “when did you start seeing other people?” These things together imply, to me at least, that she has been cheating on him, and only just now does she see a way to let it into their relationship without losing him altogether.

I give that bit of insight because its necessary to understand where she most likely is at this point in the relationship, so that you all can understand what he did to get there. He’s feeling that he should go along with her idea of sleeping around, even though he admits he wont take part. In essence, he’s almost fine with giving her carte blanch to do whatever she wants – this is a gamma tendency. The fact that he’s willing to question it and feels uneasy about it, is a delta attitude. This man, therefor, is a low delta with gamma tendencies.

I’m willing to bet 50,000 to one that this guy is a romantic type who takes her out to dinner every friday, buys her expensive jewelry for “monthiverseries,” and things like that. This behavior – while wanted by women in a sense – tends to come across as needy when done in excess. You have to understand, romance is not needy. Romance is thoughtful. You can be plenty romantic without the expensive dinners and jewelry.

Avoid this man’s pitfall in your next relationship, and try this out: Don’t buy her presents. Once every few months, splurge on her and get her a cheap (under $10) pair of earrings, or a necklace (in the same price range). Don’t ever get her a gift for special occasions. Instead, do it rarely and randomly. “I was at the mall today and I saw this.” and then hand it to her. The key here is the subtlety thats telegraphed. You don’t need a card or a megaphone to shout your intentions. Instead, the small gift and minimal communication about it lets the subtext speak for you, I was thinking about you.

She’ll remember those moments more than the $1624 dinner dates you take her on every 2 months because the $10 earrings had significance and meaning. They were special. The key here is to let her emotions do the leg work for you.

Agreeing to be in an LTR over a country-wide distance is, in my opinion, a pretty poor move to make. You, as an emotionally invested man, will become immediately needy – replacing your sexual wants with emotional ones such as needing to talk to her every moment of the day. This will do a few things to screw you over: first, it will LJBF to your own partner – an horrible fate; second, it will turn her off to you, sexually. There is nothing that makes a vagina dry up faster than an emotionally needy man.

Guys, you have to understand this: The nature of a vagina is to be emotionally needy. Women have this deep emotional instability that causes them to seemingly always be lost within themselves. How often do you hear your female coworkers talking about a misunderstanding between them and a family member or friend? Have you ever noticed that most women seem to be plagued by drama?

The last thing you want to add to this is your own emotional instability and excessive neediness. Women need you to be the stable partner – its what makes being aloof so attractive to women and why many PUAs talk about belittling women’s problems: It shows them that you above all of that, that you a strong and unshakable male – you are the stability they crave.

Augusta personal connection

All in all, you can see this guy had a myriad of pitfalls which ultimately brought his relationship to this completely unacceptable point.

As I’ve said before and will say again: Cheating is an immediate deal breaker. If she cheats, axe her. No questions asked. Should I have found myself in this situation, with a women suggesting an open relationship so she can get all of her “college fucking” out of the way and still keep me as her stand-by (read: beta herb) I would have responded by promptly ending the relationship and hanging up the phone.