You have chosen a woman to be your wife, and you have married. To have a successful marriage, you must be the man. This is for your peace of mind. It is also because she expects this of you even if she doesn't say it.

This post focuses on things specific to married men and to men in longtime relationships who are, for all intents and purposes, married to their longtime companions. I'm assuming you know the basics, items like "don't listen to what she says, watch what she does", the difference between attractive traits and desirable traits. I am also assuming you understand the legal minefield you've just walked into. Legally, you have no cards because you folded your hand when you said "I do". She holds a full house with three aces, aces are high, and you really don't have anything. Your bride, whether for 30 days or 30 years, can cash it all in anytime she wants for cash and prizes.

I aim to help you negotiate that minefield and keep you as intact as possible in the process.

Herewith, my tips to help you Be the Man.

Concern Yourself With Your Mission, Vision, And The Big Picture

You should have a mission. That mission is usually the lifestyle you have cultivated as a bachelor. It consists of your job or career, with a heaping side helping of your hobbies, and service to your fellow man. That mission must continue to predominate over your life. You should also have a vision for your marriage and life together -- children (whether you will have any; how many and how they will be instructed); finances; where and how you live; your lifestyle together.

The mission and vision together form The Big Picture. What do you want from marriage? What do you want your marriage to be? Where will you be in your marriage in a year? Five years? Twenty years? Buying a house, selling a house, buying a second vacation home, major purchases, the children's formal and religious instruction, retirement -- these are the things you should think about.

This means you should not, MUST not, concern yourself with trivialities like whether she buys generic or brand name processed meat; or the color of paint she selects for the main floor bathroom, or her spending an extra $20 on a toy for one of the kids. You should not micromanage these day to day things.

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A corollary to this is The Buck Stops With You. Because it does. She WANTS the buck to stop with you. And so do you. She does not want an "egalitarian" marriage. She wants you to have your Mission, because it will give birth to and nurture the Vision; and enable you to manage and mind The Big Picture. And you want the buck to stop with you because you will have maximum influence over the Vision; and thus be in control over and able to see The Big Picture.

Sex: Insist, Direct, And Orchestrate It

Sex is the defining feature of marriage. It's the only thing you do with your wife that you're not supposed to do with anyone else. Sex is so important to marriage that under Judeo-Christian laws and traditions, the young man and woman were not truly married until the ritual was consummated. And that means the red-faced groom "went in to his wife and knew her", i.e. there was societally and culturally sanctioned banging.

Don't apologize for wanting sex. Escalate with her and go for frequent sex with your wife. Direct her into sex. Tell her what you want, how you want it, and when, and where. You're John Williams; she's the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. You direct and orchestrate. If you do it well, she'll play whatever music you set before her with the gusto and expertise of a virtuoso.

If you're not having frequent sex, something is wrong. There could be any number of reasons for this. Common examples are that one or both of you (1) let yourselves go with the resultant loss of attractiveness; (2) are stressed out from work or other things; or (3) are worried or anxious about money. If that's the case, one or both of you need to take care of yourselves.

If she is disinterested in sex, something is wrong. Maybe something medical is going on, or you let your attractiveness drop, or you went full on beta. If that's the case, you need to fix yourself or she needs to get to a physician.

If you've ruled out medical causes and your alpha/beta mix, and she still isn't sexually responsive, then something is very seriously wrong, and you need to get to the bottom of it. What's likely going on here is willful and deliberate withholding of sex. The most likely reason for her willful refusal is she's not attracted to you, and that's probably been going on a long time. This is a critical problem and the marriage is in jeopardy. Few men want to remain in a sexless marriage. You need to do something, and you need to do it now. You'll need to respond to it decisively.

You can't just have sex with your wife against her will, but you can reject the status quo. Tell her you won't accept this; you won't stay in a sexless, loveless marriage. Then you need to increase your alpha. If this still isn't working you'll need to run more aggressive game, perhaps all the way up to Dread. At all times remind her that her choices are bringing these things upon her marriage. "No sex, no marriage." If none of this works, your sex life with her might not be salvageable. At that point your choices are (1) live with it the way it is; or (2) end the marriage through divorce.

Whatever you do, if there is a sexual problem, do not let it linger. Face it, address it, and tackle it head on right away.

Apologize Only When Truly Wrong And Stand Your Ground

You will be wrong at times. You will screw up royally. You will trample all over her feelings. When that happens, acknowledge it, say you're sorry, and be done with it. Don't say it again; and don't let her throw it in your face. But if you are right, and you know you are right, do not apologize. Stand your ground and stick to your guns, no matter what happens. She'll cry. She'll yell. She'll call you names. She'll give you the silent treatment. She'll withhold sex. She'll also get over it. If she doesn't get over it, see topic 10.

Keep Your Hobbies and Interests

Keep your hobbies and interests close. Don't give up your hobbies and interests just because you're a married man now. If you give them up she'll know she can control you, and she doesn't want that. Keep them because they are a needed respite from the rigors, hassles and disappointments from your job and career. Hobbies and avocations are what bring us enjoyment and fun. Engage them and keep them sharp.

Children: Be Their Father, Not a Male Mother

You bring a differing and necessary skill set to the upbringing of children. You teach them to compete, to get back up when they fall or fail, to keep going when the going is tough, and you do it mostly by example and by simply being there. You teach them the connection between poor behavior and harsh consequences, and you make it stick. You show your sons how to be men; you show your daughters what kind of man they need. Your children's mother cannot teach them these things nearly as well as you can. Don't let their mother tell you how to be a father to your children; and don't be a male mother to them. And tell your wife up front -- you will have rudimentary DNA paternity tests run on the children.

She is Your Wife; not Your Buddy or Your Therapist

Your wife is a longtime female companion, helpmeet, lover and consort. She is not your drinking buddy or fishing buddy; not your confidante or advisor. And she is definitely NOT your therapist. Keep your kindred spirit male colleagues close. Keep even closer your old school friends, the men (and maybe a few women) who stuck with you through thick and thin. And if you need help beyond that, get it -- see a male counselor or therapist (alone. Never, ever with your wife). If you get really down, don't let her see it. Don't let her see you in deep negative emotions such as anger, fear, despair, despondency or depression. And don't let it go on for weeks or months.

Never Be Nice, And Know When To Walk Away

Be kind to her, a gentle word here and there. Be the oak tree she needs to cling to when her storms rage about. Sometimes you will have to be cruel to be kind. Tell her the unvarnished truth when you need to. Pass her shit tests by telling her "no" when necessary. Tell her what she needs to know; do not tell her what she does not need to know about your own internal storms. Give her the things she needs to run your household and concern herself with its micromanagement.

Note that I said do these things TO HER. That means you restrict and reserve such kindness and goodness to her, and her alone. Note that I also said "do not be nice". This means you must not be "nice" to ANYONE. No one goes on a pedestal; no one gets obsequious, fawning, supplicating treatment; no one gets undue deference. Especially not your wife.

Let Go of Unreasonable Expectations, and Insist that She Let Go of Hers

Both of you probably came into marriage with certain preconceived notions. Some will be correct; some will be incorrect. Still others will be unrealistic or unreasonable. You and she will both have to jettison things, wants or needs that don't fit into the Mission, the Vision or the Big Picture. Learn to let them go; and help her let go of hers.

Calibrate the Alpha/Beta, Attraction/Comfort Mix

Depending on the circumstances and your wife's character, you need to calibrate the alpha/beta you show. Sometimes she needs more alpha (during sex, during crises) sometimes more beta (during HER crises, a long illness). Be sensitive to this. The idea is to give her what she needs to make submission easier; and to help her feel comfortable. Some women don't need a lot of alpha to encourage submission. Some women just need a lot of alpha, and they won't submit otherwise. It's a tough call and you'll get it wrong sometimes. But this is modern marriage. Keep in mind -- whatever you were or did that your wife found attractive when you were dating is what you will need to keep bringing and doing in order to keep her attracted to you. Nota bene: When in doubt, go alpha/attraction/dominance.

Be Prepared to Do What You Must For Yourself, Your Children, and Your Marriage, Including Ending Your Marriage if Necessary

It might seem counter-intuitive, even maudlin and dark, to include a section on going to war in a post which is designed to help a man "be the man" in his marriage. But today, the reality of divorce and frivorce makes it necessary. What also necessitates this section are public statements from many ostensibly antifeminist women affirming they would not hesitate to rain down the full force of divorce law inequities upon husbands at the end of a marriage, notwithstanding their public antifeminism stances and grudging, lip-service acknowledgment of those inequities and unfairnesses.

The moral implications of divorce or a man's freedom to remarry or engage in sexual relations after divorce are issues that are beyond the purpose and point of this post.

Brook no disrespect. Shut down disrespect whenever it pops up. Whenever you see danger signs like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or distance, or bitchiness, or "strongindependentIdontneedaman" attitude, it probably means you're too heavy on the beta/comfort and too light on the alpha/attraction/dominance. By this time you should know what will work on her. Run some asshole game, or cocky/funny. Use push/pull, the two-thirds rule, push for sex, nuke the shit tests. Push her away, make her come to you. Don't tell her anything. And don't ask her what she wants or needs. She doesn't know, and even if she did she would be unable to tell you. She will probably tell you she wants you to be nicer to her, which is unhelpful and inaccurate.

If it starts getting really bad, run full on Dread. Flirt with other women in front of her. Show and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she won't give you what you want and need, you'll end the marriage and get it somewhere else and from someone else. Disappear for hours or even a day, and tell her nothing about where you were, what you did and who you were with. Even though you're not cheating on her, make her think you are. Stop talking to her so much. If you think she has cheated or is cheating, investigate. Get to the bottom of it and confront it. DNA paternity test the kids if you haven't done it already. If it gets to this point, see a lawyer and get some opinions on what will likely happen if someone decides to detonate the marriage.

Make clear to her you will do whatever legally can and must be done to protect yourself. Make clear to her you'll go to war if you have to, and that you'll do whatever you legally can to minimize and limit your financial obligations to her if the marriage ends. Make it clear that if you can possibly do it, you'll legally inflict as much discomfort and inconvenience on her as possible. Make clear if you discover she has cheated, you'll divorce her immediately, you'll publicize far and wide her infidelity, and you'll press for all legal remedies and limitations on her post-divorce relief. Make clear to her you won't hesitate to end your marriage should that become necessary for whatever reason. Don't ever ask any women for advice about what to do. Don't apologize and don't explain. And if you have to, follow through, and initiate legal proceedings to move toward divorce.

And if none of these things work, and your marriage cannot be saved, know that ultimately you cannot control her. She's an individual who made her choices, whatever they were. And if her choices, or your choices, or both of your choices result in the necessary dissolution of your marriage, you can at least know that you did what you could to preserve it.